Before I got pregnant and even throughout my pregnancy I looked at breastfeeding as something that every good mommy does. In my opinion it just wasn’t an option if you want to be a good mommy it’s a have to if you want your baby to be bonded to you, grow strong and healthy, have proper eating habits and be intelligent. Atleast these are all things that new moms are told to encourage them to breastfeed their babies. I did quite a bit of reading before I had G on the topic after filling my head with endless propaganda about breastfeeding and its importance and basically the reading I did gave me the impression that all problems with breastfeeding could be solved by correcting the babies latch and just “nursing through your issues”. I even went so far as to say that my child would never have formula.
The reality however was much different from the reading I did and like the first month postpartum nothing could have prepared me for how difficult it would be to breastfeed G. I had huge holes for nipples that wouldn’t heal and every time G latched on it hurt so much that I had an urge to throw him across the room but instead I literally dug my toenails into the carper and nursed through the searing pain. Next came the bout with mastitis…that was fun! I’m happy to say though that 5 months in breastfeeding is finally easy for me, it doesn’t hurt, I don’t have to use a nipple shield and G has finally started spacing out his feedings to every 1-2 hours (or longer) as opposed to every half hour. No sooner has it gotten easy though then do I have to go back to school in a month. So I’m going to be faced with some pretty tough decisions. Do I continue to breastfeed as much as I can and give Grady the dreaded formula throughout the day? Do I try pumping for him (which I would need to do atleast twice a day) and then nurse at night time? Or do I get over myself and wean him? I thought that this would be an easy decision for me but it’s hard. On one hand I feel like nursing is the one thing that I can do for him that nobody else can do and I also want to continue to be able to have that bond with him. I never thought I’d say this in the newborn phase of things but I actually enjoy nursing now and I don’t look at it as a chore. But I also feel like I would be putting a lot of pressure on myself and probably would be disappointed if it didn’t work out the way I wanted. I think I’m going to try my best to keep it up, and if it doesn’t work out I’m just going to take it as calmly as possible. I never thought that I would feel so darn guilty for having to leave G in daycare sosososo SAD and dreading the day. 
How do you all deal with the separation anxiety of leaving your children? Unfortunately as a single mother it’s just going to become a part of my every day reality.
Lactating
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