My crush throughout junior high and high school was always the same guy and in addition to being my childhood crush was also one of my best guy friends. Since graduating from high school 5 years ago we have actually kept in very good contact since we both lived in Vancouver while I was going to university. He was basically the definition of my maintenance man and did all the things for me that boyfriends or husbands are supposed to do, he’d help me move, fix my car, make sure I had jumper cables in it, change a tire, hang pictures for me…and occasionally we’d hook up. Not every time we hung out…but often enough. He’s one of those guys where we could sleep in the same bed and just sleep…or we could sleep in the same bed and hook up. We did drift apart slightly while I was pregnant but since having G we’ve spoken several times. This weekend he came back to our hometown and I hadn’t seen him for almost a year but Friday he knocked on the door at my parent’s house and there he was. He hadn’t changed one bit, curly brown hair streaked blonde from the sun, thin but with a perfectly sculpted body made that way from hours of hard physical work, golden tanned skin and deep brown eyes.
And there I was…ten pounds of pregnancy weight lingering on my hips, thighs, face and tummy. Ballooned boobs, no makeup on, my hair a mess and with baby food and spit up all over my shirt. I gave him a big hug and we had a visit, he held the baby and came to see my new house. I was happy to see him, I really was but it was weird and a little bit awkward and I can’t put my finger on exactly why. This was one of the first times I had seen an old flame since having G and I just think about how much my life has changed and how differently I look at my body. I felt self conscious physically but I also felt self conscious of my life…I am so far into mommy mode that sometimes I feel like I don’t have much to talk about besides G. I don’t like going out without him with me because although my life is full and busy I sometimes forget how to have an adult conversation and he has always been more of a listener/advice guy. He just came by to say goodbye before catching the ferry back to Vancouver, he leaves for Africa to do some work there for an extended period of time.
I have definitely missed male friendships since I got pregnant and had G, but at the same time I think it will take time before these friendships feel natural again especially if they were with someone who has seen me naked before.
An awkward hello…and goodbye
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